Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Internet Junkyard #30


Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.


Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now, suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch?This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep..
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point..

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me...

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. Take it easy Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before.

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
And the best one of all:
12. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Pissed Off

I am very pissed off, about two main things: 1. being my inability to stay awake while reading the great Sir Author Conan Doyle. I didn't get more than 30 pages into my Sherlock novel and I fell asleep... AGAIN! This has been happening over the past few months. I'm such a looser!

Second thing is my sister-in-law. She's being a cunt, yes, I said it, and made us argue a bit IN FRONT OF HER KIDS! I told her I didn't want to do this in front of them, but she forced me to say some unkind things before I mustered up some restraint and left. She has done nothing to make me think she wants this resolved. The kids don't hate me, she lied about that. She thinks she can tell me I'm less of a person because I can't have kids, and adoption or c-section doesn't count as being a parent. She told me mine and Neil's lives were worthless if we couldn't have kids, and even more, said why do I feel like being a part of her kids' lives since they are not my own. It is no secret I kinda live the dream of motherhood threw them, as the role of aunt, but I never think myself their parent, they already have them. Or people saying they are, but turn out to be cunts. She had the balls to start off our last encounter with "we're family" and some other shit, and I said "oh really? Why don't you act like it?". Probably not good in front of the kids. I don't ever expect her to see what she's done, and I certainly don't expect an apology. I would LOVE one, but I know that will never happen.

Lisa has disappointed me and has lost my respect. If you have known me for any amount of time, once my respect is lost, it's near impossible to get it back. Once lost, is lost forever kinda thing.

Oh yah, and I"m pissed that I've gained MORE weight. I'm to the point where I don't want to take my meds anymore. Tired of being trapped in this useless body.

Friday, June 27, 2014

Debating

I think I'm going to change to tumblr or something. Just toying with the idea.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

ZOMIG

Mom has decided that she's going to have a family reunion at her house this coming month. While I think it's great, and can't wait, I also wonder if she's just doing it to show off their amazing house. They have a lot to show off, they did great with it, and somehow made it a home that makes me *feel* like I'm home. Is it odd that even tho I don't live there, it feels more home to me than were I currently am?

We've been looking into purchasing a house, which is super excited and terrifying. We need one with extremely low maintenance. I want to be closer to where my parents are, closer to Neil's work, and my doctors. So why not move? 

The heat is making my migraines worse. So it's a struggle to get the guys to turn it on and keep it cool. The A/C isn't very nice, and needs to be monitored while it's on, at all items. It's crazy. But we did get new meds, or rather *I* got new meds for migraine prevention nasal spray, called ZOMIG. Tho it sounds like when people say ZOMG.

Any comments welcome. :)

Friday, June 13, 2014

Internet Junkyard #29

HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona
chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared
it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, is why we
now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.



(I question all the above but the following is classic!)


Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant.


One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can
safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering
Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world
today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we
can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as
they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell
because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and
pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.

So which is it?


If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman
year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and
take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then
number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and
has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since
Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more
souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby
proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night,
Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Bruised

I fell for the third time this week a couple of days ago. Not happy, it hurts to wear a bra. Don't know why I've suddenly started doing this, but here I am with sore ribs and arm. They're dark purple and dark blue right now, you can really see the line on my ribs.



Speaking of which, I was in the ER again today, mostly for vertigo, we had a miscommunication... I thought I was getting stuff for the vertigo and nausea, but he gave me the usual stuff, that includes narcotics. I only get to get shots twice a month, and here I am in less than a week.

Very excited tho, I got a brand new office chair that is SUPER comfy and works great for my back and legs! I can't wait to show it off at the next D&D night.

Also, I've almost done with my xmas shopping and birthdays! Just need one more item and I'm gooooood! So excited for having it done so I don't have to fret about it as the dates get closer.

Right now I"m on the drugs from the ER, so things are going great. I'll probably regret putting this picture on the blog, but you know how it is.

Monday, June 09, 2014

Godzilla

No I didn't see the movie. But I did get a box from my mom which looks like Godzilla to me.


Looks like Godzilla vs Goldfish with people on a hike looking at them. I can't be the only one who thinks this!

--- --- ---

Side note, nothing has really happened. I did fall out of bed again, third time this week. I have the bruises and sore ribs to prove it! I just wanted to share the Godzilla picture with out, I'm still alive!