Saturday, April 18, 2015

Internet Junkyard #34


·;  I tried to catch some fog.  I mist. 
·;  When chemists die, they barium. 
·;  Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. 
·;  A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is
   now a seasoned veteran. 

·;  I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid.  He says he can stop any time. 
·;  How does Moses make his tea?  Hebrews it. 
·;  I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.  Then it dawned on me. 
·;  This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club,  but I'd never met herbivore. 
·;  I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.  I can't put it down. 
·;  I did a theatrical performance about puns.  It was a play on words . 
·;  They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O. 
·;  This dyslexic man walks into a bra . 
·;  I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. 
·;  When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. 
·;  What does a clock do when it's hungry?  It goes back four seconds..  
·;  I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me! 
·;  Broken pencils are pointless. 
·;  What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?  A thesaurus. 
·;  England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool . 
·;  I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. 
·;  I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx. 
·;  All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen.
   Police say they have nothing to go on. 

·;  I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. 
·;  Velcro - what a rip off! 
·;  Cartoonist found dead in home.  Details are sketchy.

Saturday, April 11, 2015

Internet Junkyard #33

Stuttering Cat - as explained by a Grade 4 student

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
 beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could
asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and
 the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and
before we
 knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl.

"My kitty raised her back, went 'Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Fffffff,'
 before she could say 'Fuck!,' the Rottweiler ate her!"

The teacher had to leave the room.