Epic

Life has been.... off. After Sam passed, we went out and got a fish, we call him: Karl

He is very, stereo-typically GAAAAAAY. He notices you watching him, he'll flutter about, he'll rest up ageist the vent thingy (as seen in the pictures) and then be very diva-ish-y. I'm not even joking, he is a Drag Queen. He moves to fast for me to take pictures of him. He loves to blow bubbles at me, and he loves to show off. He loves his vent and loves his leaf hamek (yes, he's very spoiled, and very much a diva). He loves to poop on his house, but he'll get "stuck" in the fake plants to just have the waters move his fins for him. Yes, he's dark blue/black then he becomes white on the tips. So cute.

We named him Karl at first, but didn't know he was GAAAAY. Doesn't matter, we still love him and didn't relies a fish could have SUCH a personality! Shay calls him Mistress Karl.

--- --- ---

I know I've been using radio silence lately. Shay and I spent 3 weeks in Southern California for a nice girls vacation. We had a lot of fun. But even after we came back (on Sept. 10th) I've been almost scared to even post anything. It's like no one cares so why should I keep this going? I know it's so silly, I started this for me, to make myself do something to makes it to the world, so I don't feel so isolated, I don't want to be one of those internet celebrities, but I did hope to meet someone. Is that wrong of me?

Yes, I"m whining a bit.Migraines, bills, doctors, weight, family drama that only seems to get MORE AND MORE, and then there's always my lack of self esteem that makes things even worse. Yup, depression rears it's ugly head yet again.

It's bad enough I can't work, but I'm feeling harassed on all fronts. For three beautiful weeks it wasn't that big of a deal, I wasn't harassed as much, then I get home and I"m bombarded with it. I've lost 10 pounds but what did my mom say after seeing her 4 weeks ago? "Have you gained more weight?" So there goes what little self esteem I had on that front. Then the doctor too. I'm getting scaled back on my pain meds, so now I"m even cranky-ier because of pain.

I want to be more involved with the kids, but I'm scared to as well. The parents and I are not getting along. I should clarify, Dave and Lisa and I are not getting along. I'm tired of taking their shit, I wont fight infront of the kids either. This makes it hard to spend time with them.

I miss my family in Southern California, I don't like the area, as in how hot it gets, and that it's a desert, but there's that history there I miss.

Gotta keep smiling. In between the pain, the migraines, the legs, the back, the family, the health, the stupid people, the friends, the bills, the well, EVERYTHING.